At this point, it’s not breaking news that Dick Ankiel shaved off his upper lip fur. It is breaking news, however, that we need to pay the proper respect to his stache. When that happens, we call in the American Mustache Institute from the bullpen to mop up the mess.

In memory of the upper lip squirrel passing, the American Mustache Institute coordinated a candlelight vigil Tuesday night along the Mississippi River underneath the world’s largest mustache — St. Louis’ Gateway Arch.

During the ceremony, AMI’s chief executive officer, Dr. Abraham J. Froman, was clearly shaken.

“We salute Mr. Ankiel for having the gumption and good looks required to grow a high quality lip canvas when many said he couldn’t,” said Dr. Froman. “Sadly, his actions have disappointed us all, most notably, his upper lip. Now, his mouth brow is gone and there’s a void above his lip and in the hearts of the Mustached American community everywhere.”

For more, see here.

God speed, Dick-stache.

Since July 29th of 2008, Rick Ankiel is hitting .173/.281/.279 (.560 OPS) in 39 games.

In 2008, after a horrendous August in which it was clear to everyone not named Tony La Russa that he was hurt, Dick underwent abdominal surgery on September 19th. He has not been right since then.

If someone named Barden, Barton, or Freese put up these numbers, they would be enjoying some fried catfish and ribs in Memphis before you could say Pete Incaviglia. If he was a reliever performing like this (not named Isringhausen) he would have lost his previously unnamed role in the bullpen and been put in an even more unnamed role after a week.

But, because he’s Rick Ankiel and the incredible human interest story which comes with him, he’s out there starting about every two out of three games.

What Rick Ankiel has done at the plate and in the outfield is completely and totally unacceptable, and what the Cardinals are doing with Ankiel is equally as egregious. I realize we all know he’s in a funk; but did you know he’s in a .560 OPS funk? And has been for almost nine months? It’s time to send him down and get him healthy. Putting him out there even every other day is no longer fair to him, nor to the team.

Send him down to work on things and, more importantly, get healthy. You don’t need a real reason to send him down, just make one up. You used to do it all the time.

He still ain’t right. I know it, you know it, Bob Dole knows it, and the American people know it.